bombs in bottles
Yesterday, I completed Project Yeet Broadband by yeeting my broadband. Today, my former ISP sent me a "customer satisfaction survey" via email.
They asked for my opinion. They got it.
The very first question was "how likely would you be to recommend us to friends, family, or co-workers?", with a 0 (not at all) to 10 (extremely) scale. I chose zero. They wanted to know why.
...Oh boy.
Techdirt has been running a lot of pieces on public broadband networks recently: Where they exist in the US, how they're getting built, and how they are universally faster and cheaper than the rapidly-re-monopolizing commercial service providers. So I came equipped with NOTES.
The tl;dr version was "I will never recommend a private broadband company again. Public broadband is cheaper, faster, and offers better customer service in 100% of the markets that adopt it. I will always recommend that people use public broadband or, if they have no access to it, to build some like those two guys in Michigan did."
They asked me why I canceled my service. I clicked every available option ("too expensive," "I'm not using my service as much as I expected," one other I've forgotten, and "other"). "Other" gave me a type-in box to explain, in which I entered "I discovered my real life was more interesting." (If a human ever reads my response, I hope they are a Star Trek: Enterprise fan.)
The assumptions baked into the survey were obvious. For instance, it kept asking me whether I managed to find the necessary information to "get the most out of" my service - as if the problem was not that they charge ever-increasing fees for a service that adds less value to my life every year, but simply that I am too dumb to understand how to use it.
The survey asked me to elaborate on my answer, so I did:
"I found the information I needed to get the most out of my service by using a calculator. $80 per month, invested at 7 percent annually, is nearly $40,000 after 20 years. A home broadband Internet connection simply cannot match that value, especially when my phone's hotspot is cheaper and more reliable. The calculator showed me that double-paying for an Internet connection made no fiscal sense, so I chose to eliminate the more expensive, worse service - this one."
When I noted I was "dissatisfied" with the phone call I had to make to cancel my service, the survey asked me why. I channelled my inner White Lady Email persona for this one:
"The customer service rep did their best, but we had to sit through several "processing" queues that magically only exist when I call to downgrade or cancel my service, never when I call to install or upgrade it. I'm sorry that so many of your customers are leaving you that it's imposing such a drag on your computer systems. Perhaps adding a one-click-to-cancel option on the website would help alleviate this problem?"
Meanwhile, life without at-home broadband is indeed pretty cool. Today I cleaned my garage, which I know sounds Not Great, but it was long overdue and I'm really happy with the results. I also hung out in the backyard with the chickens for several hours. ("Chicken TV," the phenomenon of getting engrossed watching one's chickens as if they were a fascinating television show, is real, y'all.) Good day.
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